Degrees of Congruence

How The Mis-Alignment of Words and Actions Can Cripple Your Effectiveness As A Leader.

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If my aunt reads this she’s going to kill me….

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Friday nights in my family was all about fish fry’s, loud music and dancing. We would gather at some one’s house and just enjoy each other. One particular Friday, my aunt (who will remain nameless) came over to pick my mom and I up to go to my other aunts house. While we were driving I was sitting in the back seat and noticed that the cigarette my mom and aunt were smoking smelled a lot differently than my mom’s normal cigarettes. The music got louder and the laughing became more frequent. I knew this was going to be a good night and that the kids would be called to entertain the adults with that ‘new dance’.

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For those of you who aren’t familiar with African American culture, during gatherings in which alcohol is involved, the kids are required to come up and show the adults how to do the most current popular dances.

My aunt turns around and looks me dead in my eyes while blowing the smoke from her lungs and says ‘I better never see you doing this, you understand me?’ I nod confusedly and slightly buzzed. Maybe it was the influence of what was in the air that caused my enlightenment but at that moment, I became aware of the negative impact when there is a lack of consistency and congruence between our words and actions. I began to hold my contempt for my parents, my teachers and other influences in my life because of this in-congruence. For the first time in my young life, the light began to shine on the imperfection of people and naturally, cynicism began to be the prevalent emotional state of my adolescence and young adult life.

People want so much to be aligned with their personal messaging but never take actions to recognize and address the differences between our words and actions.

In leadership, this in-congruence is the reason why you can’t get Bob to try harder on his assigned project. This in-congruence is why Susan is aloof in your staff meetings. This in-congruence is the reason people perform just well enough not to get fired. [insert Marshawn Lynch]

If there is any variation in congruence between your messaging and your actions, it will be exploited by the people you lead, your peers and the people you answer to. Mistrust, cynicism and apathy will become the prevailing emotional state of your team. There aren’t many qualities about leaders that is more repelling than in-authenticity. More importantly, contained within that in-congruence are the things that will cause you to fail. People only listen to what you do. Regardless of how eloquent you may be, your behavior is the difference between garnering 100% effort from your people and the 20% they need to exert to keep their jobs.

Overcoming this in-congruence requires self-awareness. Self-awareness isn’t about meditating or being deep and becoming one with yourself, it’s simply acknowledging the incongruousness and being transparent about them. We/I/Me are hardest people to lead. We will judge others based on their actions but judge ourselves on our intentions. It’s a painful process to uncover our weaknesses and remove our representative masks to become bare before others. It goes against our human nature to purposely expose ourselves to that pain. That pain is transformed into trust, assurance, cohesion and certainty from your team. The pain is necessary. The pain is required. To truly become the leader we desire to be and produce the results we want, we must welcome the pain that comes with self-awareness so that we may achieve the congruence that produces greatness.